As we prepare for our second adoption, we’re again thinking about the importance of bonding, particularly in those first days, weeks, and months with the new baby.

Adoptive Families magazine has a section devoted to bonding. I think the article, Your Baby, Yourself, is especially helpful in talking about the importance (and challenges) of bonding for adoptive families.

Part of the article states …

… attachment is almost always a journey, not an instant event. It takes time to get to know your child, to develop the rhythm and confidence to parent. In these first days, it is vital that you take care of only the essentials—your partner and your baby. Avoiding other claims on your attention will enhance your ability to bond.

The article (as well as the section at the bottom of the page) includes some good tips (in bold) …

Limit visits. Your baby needs time to bond with you, unencumbered by distraction. Unplug the phone or leave a voice message if excited friends keep calling.

We received a similar tip from the pre-adoption classes we took as part of our home study in early 2007. The child (from another culture) experiences enough trauma without being bombarded with lots and lots of new people.

During our first weeks with Ethan, we did make the rounds to the churches we were serving while we were on parental leave. Ethan seemed to handle that well, but even in Korea, he was described as “a social little guy.” Still, we tried to limit his exposure to others in the earliest days.

Wear the baby in a chest carrier as much as possible.

We bought a baby carrier and took it with us to Korea. During our first hours with Ethan in Korea, we described it as the best baby-related investment we had made up to that point.

I will never forget carrying Ethan to E-mart in Seoul, Korea in the baby carrier on our first full day together. I remember him looking into my eyes, trying to figure out who in the world I was!

Interestingly, our link to the Ergo Baby Carrier has been one of the most popular outgoing links on our blog.

Become your baby’s primary provider of care, meeting all her needs yourself, to build trust. For now, encourage friends and relatives to leave the hugs and kisses to you.

Good advice, related to the first tip above. Limiting interaction with others, at least early on. Focus on bonding as a family.

Maintain your baby’s familiar routines as much as you can.

Our caseworker in Korea as well as the foster mother went to great lengths to tell us about Ethan’s routines. A lot of good that did! Ethan’s routines were completely different after we brought him home (for the better). In Korea, he was getting up during the night once or twice (here, after a week and a half adjusting to the new time zone, he began sleeping all night) and going to bed between 10:00 and 11:00 p.m. (here, he usually goes to bed between 8:00 and 8:30 p.m., thankfully!).

Next time, we’ll listen to what they tell us, of course, but we’ll take it with a grain of salt!

Keep any clothes or blankets your baby came with for their soothing smell.

We also heard this in our pre-adoption classes. I think it’s good advice, but in Ethan’s case, I don’t think it applied. Ethan didn’t seem to be too attached to anything, in particular (the foster mother told us he loved his drinking cup, which leaked; he did, but he also didn’t have a problem switching to another cup). In fact, Ethan had no trouble switching formula (one of the three biggest challenges for Korean babies) or going from rice and broth to baby food.

Let a nurse hold your child for an injection, then you comfort her afterwards.

We have not heard this one before. I’m not sure how well that would’ve worked when we took Ethan to the doctor less than a week after bringing him home from Korea (the blood draw was especially difficult!). We may think about this one tomorrow as Ethan goes in for his two-year check-up where we expect him to his two-year vaccinations.

Anyway, we go into the second adoption with some bonding/parenting experience (that’s a big thing), but having a toddler at home will certainly add a new twist to the experience!

While our conversation on Radical Hospitality is mostly behind us (Centre Grove church council), we’re still working on some of the practical steps (primarily adding directional signs, which have been completed, and revamping our welcoming ministry of ushers and greeters).

We’ve named our ministry of ushers and greeters “First Impressions Ministry” (not original with us). The goal of this ministry is, “Creating an environment where people experience God’s love!”

We are in the process of training our ushers and greeters (we asked ushers and greeters to attend one of three different sessions, with the last coming up this week).

First, we’re sharing with them why we’re revamping this ministry, specifically our discussion of Radical Hospitality. We walked through the following quote from Bishop Schnase’s book, Five Practices of Fruitful Congregations …

Christian hospitality refers to the active desire to invite, welcome, receive, and care for those who are strangers so that they find a spiritual home and discover for themselves the unending richness of life in Christ. It describes a genuine love for others who are not yet part of the faith community, an outward focus, a reaching out to those not yet known, a love that motivates church members to openness and adaptability, a willingness to change behaviors in order to accommodate the needs and receive the talents of newcomers.

We also try to give a sense of the need to be welcoming of all people. I think the following (slightly adapted) from Serving as a Church Greeter, by Leslie Parrott, is helpful in communicating who we need to be kind toward …

• Kindness to new people who feel strange and don’t know their way around
• Kindness to the elderly who increasingly feel alone
• Kindness to the children who are outside their comfort zone
• Kindness to mothers and fathers with babies in their arms and toddlers at their sides
• Kindness to people who show up regularly at the same time at the same door every week
• Kindness to people who have physical challenges
• Kindness toward the pastor and staff, who sometimes need an advocate at the door
• Kindness to people who don’t think they need it

After casting the vision for the First Impressions Ministry, we get into the practical details, which are really pretty simple, I think.

The Greeters serve outside the worship space (in our case, at the two entrances to the sanctuary and entrance from the parking lot). The Ushers serve inside the worship space seating newcomers and receiving the offering. We are asking them to …

• Arrive early
• Smile and be friendly
• Introduce themselves and introduce newcomer to someone else
• Be helpful (know location of restrooms, nursery, entrances/exits, specials needs, etc.)
• Distribute welcome cards
• Show people to their seats (Ushers)
• Receive offering (Ushers)

We believe the development of our First Impressions Ministry will help us practice a more radical hospitality toward all people!