Entries Tagged 'Adoption' ↓

It’s been a while since we’ve posted an update on how Sarah is adjusting (last two posts were Family Leave Report and Checking in on Sarah).

Sarah has been with us a little over four months now, and all along, we’ve been saying that she is adjusting really well. The two areas that were perhaps the most challenging were riding in the car seat and going to sleep at night. She’s doing a lot better in the car seat, although our lengthier trips are few.

Our biggest challenge in the past four months was getting Sarah to sleep at night. In the earliest days, Sarah would often cry (and sometimes scream) herself to sleep at night, up to 30-60 minutes. Nothing seemed to work. We’d usually hold her till she fell asleep, but as soon as we’d lay her in the crib (or even move toward it), she’d wake up, and not be happy about it.

The transition was similar for Ethan but, if we remember correctly, Ethan’s transition (i.e., going to sleep calmly at night) was much quicker. It has only been in recent weeks that Sarah has been doing well at night (she has long done well for morning and afternoon naps; nighttime was always the challenge).

For a while there, it seemed like it was taking forever to get her to this point, but in hindsight, three to four months isn’t really very long in the grand scheme of things, I suppose.

The current challenge with Ethan’s sleep is that he’s been getting up much earlier ever since we returned from Korea (6:30 am +/- an hour). They go to bed at the same time (7:30-8:00 pm), but Sarah sleeps much later (around 9:00 am or so). We’re hoping that the beginning of daylight saving times helps Ethan sleep a little later (we miss having more productive time before the kids get up in the morning)!

In spite of these challenges, though, we have been extremely blessed that both Sarah and Ethan normally sleep throughout the night! We’ll say it again, we are extremely blessed!

Here are a few photos of Sarah from today …

 

Two years ago today, while in Seoul, Korea, we welcomed Ethan into our lives. Two years ago, we “got” Ethan. In some ways, it’s hard to believe it’s *only* been two years — it feels like he’s been part of us so much longer!

Ethan began the day with a couple chocolate chip muffins, blowing out two candles on the first one. Then, we went to Chuck E. Cheese in Altoona where we ate pizza and played games.

This year, we were able to give a little more explanation to Ethan on the importance of the day than last year (last years posts: Gotcha Day and Gotcha Day in Pittsburgh).

At the end of the day, we read a new book we got for Ethan, In Case You Ever Wonder by Max Lucado.

 

While singing “Great is Thy Faithfulness” this morning at Centre Grove, for some reason it struck me that we should be right around the 100 day mark since we’ve had Sarah. And sure enough, yesterday was day 100.

In Korea, families traditionally celebrate a child’s 100th day (from birth) because the first 100 days were the most critical. Getting beyond 100 days was a good sign. While survival rates have dramatically improved, Korean families continue to celebrate the 100th day.

We didn’t have Ethan or Sarah on their 100th days (which they both celebrated with their respective foster families), so we chose to highlight their first 100 days with us. We marked Ethan’s 100th day and now we’re marking Sarah’s.

Here are photos which have not yet been posted (mostly from the past month). For more on Sarah’s story, see Sarah’s Adoption.

 

As you may recall, we are required to complete three visits with our caseworker in the first six months that Sarah is with us (after which we can move toward finalizing the adoption).

Since our caseworker (Cindy) is in Carlisle, we made plans to connect on our way home from the Bishop’s Retreat yesterday afternoon. We only had a few minutes to visit (and will continue the visit over the phone in the days ahead), but it was good to update Cindy on Sarah’s progress.

Cindy was particularly interested in three things: (1) Sarah’s health and physical development, (2) our back-to-work adjustment, and (3) Ethan’s adjustment to Sarah’s arrival.

At our first visit, we reported the pediatrician’s concern that Sarah’s physical development (i.e., motor skills) was a bit delayed. We were glad to report that those concerns no longer exist. Sarah has (at least) caught up. It wasn’t something we, or our caseworker, were really concerned about, knowing that, because Koreans hold their babies more in the early months, that their physical development schedule is simply different than ours.

It was also good to hear Cindy’s observations on Sarah’s emotional well-being. She noticed that Sarah was very observant, looking around the restaurant where we were meeting with no signs of fear (especially after coming directly from the Bishop’s Retreat where we had been around lots of people in an unfamiliar environment for the past 48 hours). Cindy said that’s simply not the case with some adoptees, at this early stage.

Cindy was also interested in know how Ethan was coming along in his adjustment in this new family situation. Joleen points to a time about three weeks before we returned to work where Ethan seemed to have turned a corner. I also mentioned last week’s experience.

Speaking of emotional well-being and adjustment, a book that has been on my reading pile for a long time (I actually read it many years ago) is John Gottman’s Raising an Emotionally-Intelligent Child. We need to read it mainly our benefit. I’ve always said, with Ethan, and now with Sarah, our main goal is not to mess them up too bad!

Well, it’s hard to believe that today marks three months since we met Sarah in her foster home (and brought her into our lives the following day). It’s also hard to believe that we’ll soon be celebrating two other milestones — Ethan’s second “gotcha day” (February) and Sarah’s first birthday (March).

Our family leave (8 weeks plus 2 weeks of vacation) ended Sunday, and Monday was our first day back to work, so we thought it might be a good time to write an update on how things are going with our bonding and adjustment.

It’s been a little while since we’ve posted an update. For previous updates, see: Fluid Situation, The Joy and Grief of Growing a Family, Fluid Situation 2.0, and Fluid Situation 3.0. Also, we recently posted a page (with a link at the top) for Sarah’s Adoption, to go along with Ethan’s Adoption, which are central places to share their stories.

We’ve often described 2008 as a “whirlwind” (the adoption of our first child, two graduations, a move and two new ministry appointments). While 2009, in itself, wasn’t as much of a whirlwind, it sorta continued the whirlwind of the last two years. Two years ago, it was just Joleen and me; now there are four of us!

We are grateful for the last couple of months that we’ve had to focus on bonding with Sarah, but we’re clearly just getting started on this process!

Overall, Sarah’s adjustment has gone well. She’s still not too crazy about the car seat but seems to be doing better (or maybe it’s just been a while since we’ve driven very far away). She sleeps well overnight and getting her to sleep is improving, although there are still occasional challenges (mainly related to placing her in the crib at night).

Our first family leave (with Ethan) was mentally intense (due to completing doctoral dissertations during our leaves) but our second family leave (with Sarah) was more emotionally intense.

As we’ve shared before, the biggest challenge in our bonding process with Sarah has been with Ethan. Thankfully, though, while this challenge is still ongoing, there are signs that Ethan is turning the corner. Ethan has mostly been okay with Sarah, I think; his issue seems to be mainly about sharing us with Sarah. In fact, in the first Fluid Situation update, I mentioned that Ethan refused to be in a photo with both Sarah and me (although he would be in a photo with Sarah alone). While this has improved, we still have our moments.

We think, though, that Ethan has helped Sarah transition as well as she has. Sarah constantly watches Ethan. And the two of them are playing together more and more. The thing that was fun to watch on Christmas morning was the two of them alternating between their own gifts and each others (which they were mostly okay with).

Finally, I’m not sure we’ve written about it, but Sarah was a little developmentally delayed physically when we brought her home (which we’re told is not uncommon for Korean babies as they are held a lot; I also think the small apartments and hardwood floors may have something to do with it). However, in the two months Sarah has been with us, she has made great strides.

Two months ago, Sarah was hardly able to sit up with much stability. Now, she often pulls herself up onto furniture. A week ago, she crawled to the stairs and (as I spotted her), she climbed to the top of the stairs with very little help. I just checked the date of our photos and Sarah is pretty close to Ethan’s age when he first climbed the stairs (and Ethan was much further along when we got him). Of course, chasing after Ethan and going after his toys is, no doubt, speeding up her development!

Anyway, as we go back to work, we do so knowing that this is all still very much in process. But we are grateful for the great start we’ve gotten in the last couple of months. Thank you for your prayers and support and for sharing this part of our journey!

We’ve been home almost six weeks and it’s hard not to compare our current bonding experience with Sarah to our first one with Ethan. Some of the differences are no doubt related to the differences between Ethan and Sarah, but beyond that, they’re just different experiences.

With Ethan, he was pretty much our sole focus (except that both of us were completing dissertations during our first two months together).

With Sarah, it’s a different experience for a couple reasons. First, we’ve been through this before (with Ethan). There was a lot of excitement and uncertainty simply because it was the first time. There’s still excitement and uncertainty this time, too, of course, but it’s, well, different (and, obviously, a bit hard to describe).

Then there’s Ethan, who is a major part of the bonding experience with Sarah. It’s one thing for Joleen and I to adjust and bond with Sarah (in many ways, that’s the easy part), but it’s a whole new experience for Ethan to bond with Sarah and to transition from only child to big brother (this is the slow, more challenging, part). But he’s processing it. A couple of his common phrases these days are, “I’m growing up,” or “I’m getting bigger.”

While the jury is still out on how Ethan feels about all this, we get mixed messages. Actually, I’ve always said Ethan seems fine with Sarah (for the most part), it’s Mommy and Daddy’s relationship with Sarah that he’s not so sure about. (I’m still planning to write more about Ethan’s transition, but, frankly, we’re not ready to write that post yet!)

Ethan, who is virtually never down or sad, woke up one morning early on seemingly depressed. He said he was sad. This afternoon, he woke up from a nap crying, which is very unusual. He finally said at one point, “I’m so sad,” but I couldn’t find out why. Perhaps it was a bad dream. As I said, those times are rare, and they don’t last long.

Still, though, Ethan has always seemed interested in Sarah. He gets up a couple hours before Sarah and often asks, “Is Sarah awake?” Sometimes he says, “Let me check on Sarah,” or even “Sarah’s awake,” whether she is or not.

And Sarah has always closely watched Ethan. She likes to get into his stuff, which he doesn’t always appreciate. Yesterday, I got her out of her crib when she woke up. When she heard Ethan coming, she nearly attacked me, turning around to see Ethan. This morning, Ethan was right behind me, so I waited to get her out of the crib until Ethan arrived. Again, when she heard Ethan, she responded immediately and excitedly.

But it’s hard to compare the two bonding experiences because this one is still very much in the early days. Sometimes we think back to (or look at photos of) our first days/weeks with Ethan and are amazed at how at-home we were together.

I suspect we’ll look back on these first days/weeks with Sarah with similar thoughts and feelings. The story will be different (as it should be), but we trust that we’ll be just as amazed … and grateful!

As our family goes through a period of change there are times that really bring a smile to our faces. This is one of them.

Our mealtime habit has been to feed Sarah first and then sit her on the floor with a toy while we eat. One morning as I prepared Ethan’s breakfast (and Sarah was still sleeping), Ethan got his Pooh Bear and
pretended to feed him breakfast.

When Ethan’s cereal was ready he ran into the living room, saying, “Pooh needs a toy.” Ethan brought the toy and sat Pooh on the floor with it and then sat himself up to the table to eat.

As we all work at new schedules and new routines, it is a delight to get a glimpse of Ethan taking in these new routines … and practicing nurturing his Pooh Bear. I’m sure he will eventually become a very loving, nurturing big brother!

 

We’ve written some about Ethan’s transition in the past month with the addition of Sarah to our family. We even started writing about his transition before we went to Korea. We also discussed our mixed emotions about going to Korea while leaving Ethan behind at home.

One thing we never wrote about, though, was the night before we went to Korea. On that Sunday evening, Joleen and I took Ethan up for our regular evening bedtime routine, on the eve of traveling 7,000 miles to Korea, knowing that it would be the last time for the three of us.

We went through our regular routine — reading Scripture from Ethan’s children’s Bible, praying, drinking milk, brushing teeth, saying goodnight. Somewhere in the midst of all that, Joleen told Ethan that we’d be away for a while but that we’d be back.

I will never forget the look on Ethan’s face.

It’s hard to describe. Maybe the word “numb” is the best way to describe it. But I was proud of Ethan for two reasons: (1) he understood, to some degree, anyway, and (2) he knew we’d be back, although couldn’t have understood the timeline. I was also relieved that he knew we would be back.

Ethan did well while we were away, of course, but that night was the real beginning of the major changes to come. That’s the night when we really started transitioning from the familiar to the unfamiliar.

While our kids are hopefully discovering more familiarity here, we still find ourselves in some unfamiliar territory (for each of them and for us, too) nearly 6 weeks after that night before we went to Korea.

We think the current transition of our family is difficult for Ethan not only because there’s a new baby in the house but also because the previous routines Ethan has known have been thrown into a state of chaos (of course, the new baby in the house is a major reason for those lost/changed routines).

When it was just three of us, we worked hard to develop and maintain some routines (in spite of un-routine lives/schedules). While we’re still trying to maintain some of those routines, it must all feel very unfamiliar and chaotic to Ethan. Mealtimes are different. Evening bedtime/devotional times have changed. It’s chaotic and unfamiliar to us, too, but the difference is, we’re able to process it and adapt much quicker than Ethan, who is only two and a half, after all.

One of those key routines was our evening routine. As many nights as possible, the three of us (or two of us, on nights when one of us had a meeting), read Scriptures from a children’s Bible, prayed while Ethan drank his bedtime milk, brushed Ethan’s teeth, and said goodnight.

Tonight, after we read Scripture and pressed the button on Ethan’s prayer angel (which prays the traditional bedtime prayer), Ethan grabbed his milk cup, then when he noticed we were not sticking to our normal routine, reminded me to turn off the light (as one of us prays while he drinks his milk).

Then it struck me that he’s been that doing a lot lately, keeping us on routine, especially at night. In fact, that may be what’s behind the question, “Did you preach?” Ethan knows that “preaching” (and everything that goes along with our lives as preachers) is part of our routine and the rhythm of our lives.

So, in many ways, Ethan and Sarah are in similar places, even though it’s a different experience for each of them. They’re both looking for some familiarity as we become a family of four and as we develop new routines.

As continue to work on maintaining some of Ethan’s old routines, we’re also working on developing new routines as Sarah enters the mix!

Sunday marked one month since we received Sarah in Korea. It’s also been about a month since we arrived home.

For Sarah’s part, the transition into our family is going well. For Ethan, it’s still a struggle (more on this soon). But in case you missed them, you can read/review our earlier reports here and here.

As we’ve said before, the biggest challenge for Sarah has been with her sleeping. She sleeps extremely well once she gets to sleep (which we’re grateful for!), but until recently, getting her to sleep has been difficult. Within the last few days, though, she is making great strides.

Early on, when we laid Sarah in the crib, she would wake up, cry, and become more and more agitated, sometimes nearly hyperventilating. She seems to be getting more comfortable with the crib, so much so that recently, we’ve been putting her in the crib and she’s starting to fall asleep on her own. She may still cry a little, occasionally, but the difference is that she is learning to soothe herself and to fall asleep on her own. Based on early experiences with Sarah, I thought it would take longer to get to this point. But it’s still early. Hopefully, we keep moving in the right direction!

Part of the bonding process with an adopted child is learning to communicate with a baby who has spent most of her life training a foster mother/family to interpret her communication signals. A few days after arriving home with Ethan, we wrote about Ethan’s Big Challenge (i.e., going from an experienced foster mother to two clueless parents). While Sarah gets parents who have a little more experience, she still has to start over with a new family (that’s gotta be frustrating! )

Well, today is a good day to reflect on where we are, not only because we’re at the one month mark, but also because we had our first (of three) post placement visits with our caseworker (which is part of the legal process of adopting from Korea; I wrote a little bit about that here).

Today’s visit with the caseworker went very well. It was an opportunity for the caseworker to meet Sarah and to get an update on how her transition into our family is going.

I’m also hoping to write an update (soon) on Ethan’s handling of this transition, which continues to be the most “fluid” part. At the end of one day last week I said to Joleen, “I hope we hit the bottom today, because if we didn’t, I’m not sure we’ll survive!” Nearly a week later, things have been better, but we still have a long way to go.

We would appreciate your continued prayers for us during this time, that we will bond with one another and grow together as a family. Pray for Sarah that she will bond with her adoptive family. Pray for Ethan that he will reach acceptance. And Joleen and I need wisdom and patience to navigate this fluid situation in a way helps our family grow as strong as possible!

Finally, here are three photos of Sarah, which are already about 10 days old!