Entries Tagged 'Character Development' ↓

Recently, I was reflecting on my journey, specifically as it relates to formal (ministry/leadership) education. A long time ago, I came to believe that the highest goal of education (for me, at least) was formation, not knowledge acquisition, or the diploma at the end of the program.

Formation is a goal of all personal growth (reading, seminars, etc.), of course, but a formal education setting offers an extra intensive personal growth environment.

This may not apply as well to more technical kinds of education, but the focus in ministry education isn’t just the content (Bible, ministry, and leadership); it’s also about being shaped/formed into the kind of person God can use for a lifetime in ministry. It’s more about character development and formation as a person than it is about attaining all the knowledge you’ll ever need (which isn’t really possible, anyway).

In my Master of Divinity program in the 1990s, the goal could not have been to learn everything about the Bible. In fact, I had only three specific Bible courses (Psalms, Ezekiel, and the Johannine Epistles) in addition to broader courses on the Old Testament and the New Testament.

While part of the goal was to learn as much as possible about the particular topics I got to focus on, the more important goal was to learn how to learn/study, so that after graduation, I can make the most of lifelong study of the Bible.

Now, it’s also possible that I came to this realization as a way to make me feel better about how little I actually remember from all those years of studying! Seriously, I know I remember some things, but I also know there’s simply no way to remember everything I learned. There *has* to be a higher goal!

Shortly after we graduated from seminary in the mid-1990s, while serving in our first church, we found ourselves using the phrase “learning and growing” to describe what we were experiencing at the time. It’s a phrase that has stuck with us ever since!

This morning, I was explaining to Ethan why our responses to he and Sarah are different when they do things they shouldn’t do (e.g., climbing up on the TV stand and/or touching the TV, etc.). I essentially told Ethan that Sarah is still learning.

In a somewhat somber, matter-of-fact tone, Ethan responded, “I’m still learning” (he added that he was still learning to talk as well).

Ethan is indeed learning. Some good things, of course. But some not-so-good things, too, like the fact that Sarah’s crying and/or screaming seems to work with Mommy and Daddy (why shouldn’t it work for him?). And some funny things. Apparently, we’ve used the phrase, “This is not a toy” with Ethan somewhere along the way. Sometimes, when Sarah is playing with one of his toys (like a toy hammer or any number of other things), Ethan will sometimes say, “No, Sarah. This is not a toy!”

For almost as long as we’ve had Sarah, Ethan has been saying things like, “I’m growing up!” or “I’m getting bigger.” One morning, Ethan came into our room and climbed into bed. He said to me, “You have a big nose.” Then he said, “Mommy has a bigger nose.” But apparently, he wasn’t comparing, because he added, “I have a bigger nose, too!”

Sarah is learning new things as well. One of her favorite things is watching Ethan. It will be interesting to watch her development, to see how having an older, active brother impacts her development. One thing I’ve noticed is that when Sarah crawls up the steps, she’ll often slap the step in front of her with one or both of her hands two or three times. Ethan showed her that once, which came from something he and I did a few times back when he was crawling up steps.

Anyway, ongoing learning is important. I love Proverbs 19.27, which says …

If you stop learning, you will forget what you already know.

We’re all still learning and growing. But this week, we’re simply hoping everyone (i.e., Mommy, Sarah, and Ethan, so far) gets well and over their colds, etc.

In the last few weeks, some of Ethan’s favorite words/phrases, surprisingly enough, have been “Please” (pronounced “peas”), “Thank you,” “Excuse me” (pronounced “scoos me”), and, to a lesser degree (or at least more recent), “Sorry” (pronounced “sar-you”).

Ethan has been using “please” the longest. Awhile back, Ethan learned to add “please” to “more” when he wants more food (he now uses it for other things besides food). And because we like to hear him say please, it works most of the time!

When we give Ethan something or do something for him, he’ll often respond with “Thank you.” We like to hear that, too. Sometimes, though, when we ask Ethan to do something or not do something, he stubbornly refuses to comply. But as soon as we take a step toward him, he’ll smile, comply, and say, “Thank you” (which is what we say to him when he does comply) all at the same time.

While we taught him to say “Excuse me” after something like burping, he somehow picked up on using the phrase when he got in someone else’s way or needed to get by someone else. A few days ago, Ethan met another toddler at the top of a playground slide and said, “Excuse me.”

First, Ethan is a fast, intuitive learner, so he picks up on stuff very quickly. We’ve never had to hassle him to say “please” or “thank you.” And I hope he’s picked up these phrases because he sees those around him modeling them. As we often say, some things are better caught than taught.

I have heard it said that some things are better caught than taught. We teach through what we say, but our words must match our actions.

We are certainly learning this principle as parents. We use words to teach Ethan how to behave, but he picks up on our actions, too.

Recently, Virgin HealthMiles replaced my GoZone pedometer (they want to test it to see why it’s not working with the Mac version of the GoZone iSync software I’m beta testing for them). After I activated the new one and just before I returned the old one, I put it on Ethan to see how many steps he gets (although he kept resetting it, so I don’t know for sure). While walking, Joleen stopped, looked at her pedometer to see how many steps she had, and immediately, Ethan stopped in his tracks, lifted up his shirt, looked at his pedometer and said “eight” (apparently, his favorite number).

This, and many other similar experiences, reinforces for us the importance of teaching behavior and character by modeling good behavior/character, ourselves. In other words, our talk must match our walk!

One of the areas that we are trying to teach through our actions as well as our words is prayer. We have devotion every night we put Ethan to bed, which includes reading Scripture out of a children’s story Bible and praying while Ethan drinks his milk. I occasionally ask him if he wants to pray and he will mumble some syllables and finish, saying, “amen.”

Recently, I asked Ethan if he wanted to pray during our evening devotional time, and he immediately clasped his hands together, dropped to his knees and then on his elbows, and mumbled a very lengthy prayer. I don’t know what he said or even if he knows what he said, but he was praying (I’m not even sure where he learned those postures!).

Every once in a while, Ethan will initiate and clasp his hands together and say, “Pway.” And we do.

This principle is not only true for parents, it’s also true for leaders. As a pastor/preacher, I want to shape a biblical culture through words (preaching/teaching). But I not only shape culture through my words, I also shape culture through my actions (the way I live).

And actions speak louder than words!

One of my favorite books on leadership is Next Generation Leader (by Andy Stanley), which I read several years ago. The book focuses on five key areas: competence, courage, clarity, coaching and character.

On character, Stanley writes …

Your talent and giftedness as a leader have the potential to take you farther than your character can sustain you. That ought to scare you.

Christ-following leaders just beginning their journey generally know that they need God, partly because their gifts/talents have not yet been developed or tested. But if we’re not careful, as our gifts/talents develop, we can begin to rely more on our (God-given) giftedness and less on God.

As Andy points out, that’s when things get dangerous!

Truth is, we always need God. But sometimes we forget.

Between November 23, 2007 and February 2, 2008 (a few days before we flew to Korea to get Ethan), I wrote a series of 6 posts reflecting on and dreaming about the kind of culture we wanted to shape in our home, once we welcomed Ethan into our lives.

Nearly a year into our parenting journey, here are some early reflections on several important areas …

God-Centered Culture
We’re shaping a God-centered culture by reading Scripture and praying together, mostly during a devotional time each night before bed. A few months ago, Ethan learned, without any prompting from us, to clasp his hands together and bow his head for prayer (which was usually followed by a sigh if he was waiting to eat!). I’m sure that as Ethan grows and we’re able to have conversations, we’ll find ways to “do theology” together.

Learning Culture
It’s been fun to watch Ethan develop and learn new things. He’s extremely observant; nothing seems to get by him. In December, we wrote about Signing. Yesterday, I asked Ethan if he was ready for his bath. Immediately, Ethan put down his sippy cup of water, and did the bath sign. That surprised us, because that’s the newest sign we’ve taught him and it’s probably been a couple weeks since we’ve even tried using it! Anyway, Ethan seems to be a good learner; that’s a skill/passion we want to encourage. We’ve never been in a hurry (or pushy) about teaching Ethan new things; we simply want to provide an atmosphere where Ethan can learn and grow, naturally.

High AQ culture
A couple things here: 1) We try not to overreact to adversity/problems ourselves (which isn’t always easy), and 2) We try to help Ethan not over-react to the adversity he experiences. Funny thing is, in the High AQ post, I wrote, “We want to raise a climber.” I didn’t really mean that literally, but Ethan is definitely a climber!

Leadership Culture
I’m not sure this is an area that really gets developed/exercised during a child’s first couple years of life. Although, I will say, that Ethan has definitely had a lot of experience leading us this year!

Servant Culture
This is another area that will be largely developed later, I think. For now, it mainly needs to be something that we model for him and involve him when we can.

Trustee culture
Similarly, this is an area where we need to model good practices for now, which will hopefully make it easier to teach him good practices later.

Well, we knew culture shaping would be a real challenge, and it certainly is. We’re only a year into it, and I’m sure it gets more and more challenging along the way. But hopefully, putting down the best foundation possible (though it’ll never be perfect because we’re not perfect!), will help us down the road.

What kind of culture are you trying to shape in your home? What are you learning along the way?

At the Bishop’s Retreat this week, Tex Sample talked about how we are formed by our practices (see other learnings here). Because of that, we need to choose good practices.

I think this is one reason why habits, disciplines, systems and routines are important to me. It’s not just about finding an easier, faster way to do stuff, it’s that the things I do literally shape/form me, so I want to use the best practices I can.

This also makes me think about the Five Practices journey we’re beginning at Centre Grove (see the “getting started” post here), based on Bishop Schnase’s book, Five Practices of Fruitful Congregations. This discussion will focus on our practices as a community, with a heart for developing practices that will honor God and bear fruit for God’s kingdom. The practices we do consistently, will shape us and our ministry in the world.

I think this could also be one reason why John Wesley was so big on practicing the “means of grace” (i.e., the sacraments and spiritual disciplines). He knew that we are formed by our practices. And what better way to be formed than by those practices through which God chooses to work in our lives.

Wesley also highlighted the importance of “works of piety” (spiritual disciplines) and “works of mercy” (acts of ministry and service) knowing that we need to be formed by both kinds of practices.

I blogged recently along these lines (before I was reminded of Tex’s language of being formed by our practices). See What Stirs Your Passion? for some of the practices that have tended to form me (as well as stirring my passion).

What practices have formed (and/or, are forming) you? What changes (old practices to get rid of or new practices to begin) do you need to make?

Life is full of boundaries — moral, ethical, and legal boundaries. There are some things you cannot do. There are limits. When you cross a boundary, there are consequences.

Knowing the boundaries is important!

This lesson was driven home to us this week as we spent time at Joleen’s aunt and uncle’s house in New Jersey. Because it was a new place, Ethan didn’t know the boundaries — everything was in play.

We had to watch him constantly to keep him from getting into things he needed to stay out of — fragile things, the dog’s food dish, a large cactus plant, etc.

As Ethan matures it will become more and more important that he knows where the boundaries are. Hopefully, learning the boundaries now will prepare him for a strong, healthy life down the road.

This week at Jim and Wanda’s, Ethan learned to open a door for the first time, making knowing the boundaries now even more important!

 

Ethan completed his first mission project just before leaving Manor Hill, with the help of the Manor Hill congregations.

At Dave and Jean Norris’ retirement dinner, there was a Mission Central “relay baton” at each table. Because of his birth date (the baton went to whose birthday was the closest at the time), Ethan received the challenge of filling the relay baton with quarters in Dave and Jean’s honor.

This challenge was not very difficult to fulfill with the Manor Hill folk around. We just passed it around the congregations and it was done!

So here’s to you, Dave and Jean! We are honored that we had the privilege to already involve Ethan in mission!

 

A few months ago, Randy wrote an entry called, Praying the Scriptures for Your Children, which included a few suggested verses of Scripture to pray for children.

Another good resource for parents to incorporate into their prayers is an article from Christian Parenting Today called 40 Ways to Pray for Your Children. The article includes 40 topical prayers parents can use to pray for their children.