Entries Tagged 'Family' ↓

One of the books on my rather aggressive Lenten reading list is Raising an Emotionally-Intelligent Child by John Gottman. The book was published in 1997 and I actually read it shortly after that, mainly due to my interest in emotional intelligence.

I haven’t completely re-read it yet, but I have done a little reviewing. Based on research, Gottman says there are four styles of parenting — Dismissing, Disapproving, Laissez-Faire, and Emotion-Coaching. Those are fairly self-explanatory and the good one is pretty obvious.

A small part of the description of emotion-coaching is that an emotion-coaching parent …

• respects the child’s emotions
• does not poke fun at or make light of the child’s negative emotions
• does not say how the child should feel
• does not feel he or she has to fix every problem for the child (52)

The benefit of emotion-coaching is that children …

learn to trust their feelings, regulate their own emotions, and solve problems. They have high self-esteem, learn well, get along with others (52).

Gottman writes, “Emotion-Coaching parents serve as their children’s guide through the world of emotion” (63).

We want to be emotion-coaching parents, but we also know we have some growing to do. Due to the transition of bringing Sarah home from Korea, the last few months have been, and continue to be, pretty challenging. Reviewing/Re-reading this book comes at an important time (maybe Sarah was giving us a hint after all!).

Gottman describes five key steps that are part of the emotion-coaching process …

1. Become aware of the child’s emotion.
2. Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching.
3. Listen empathetically, validating the child’s feelings.
4. Help the child find words to label the emotion the child is having.
5. Set limits while exploring strategies to solve the problem at hand.

The book includes a self-assessment to help parents determine their parenting style (81 True/False questions). There’s also a self-awareness assessment to help you take a look at your own emotional life (84 True/False questions).

The book also offers a lot of practical guidance. And the final chapter describes what emotion-coaching looks like with children from infancy to adolescence.

It’s a good book for parents and those interested in emotional health/intelligence.

We have a pile of books in one of our rooms, including the books I’m trying to read during Lent (incidentally, I’m way behind!).

We’ve noticed recently that there’s one particular book that Sarah seems to be fascinated with. Maybe it’s the colors. Maybe it’s the fact that there are pictures of children on the cover. Maybe it’s a hint!

The book is Raising an Emotionally-Intelligent Child.

 

Sarah, who has been with us for about 4.5 months, turned one year old today. She continues to do well, and we are very grateful to have her in our family!

Unfortunately, even though today was our day off, the day got off to a rocky start. Sarah, who usually sleeps till around 9:00 a.m. got awake at 5:30, before going back to sleep a little while later. But the commotion got Ethan awake — a little before his normal wake-up time. So, from the start, nap times/routines were off.

Sarah and Ethan napped during much of the hour-plus drive to Williamsburg where we planned to celebrate Sarah’s first birthday with family and friends. While Sarah was a bit reserved with her first birthday cake, she still managed to make quite a mess.

It was a nice celebration and Sarah somehow managed to stay awake till the party was over. She (as well as Ethan) fell slept for most of the drive home. Sarah, who is usually not awake for more than two or three hours at a time, was awake today for around seven hours by the time we headed home around 9:15 tonight.

More than likely, Sarah will sleep very late tomorrow as she recovers from all of the excitement AND lack of sleep! After celebrating Ethan’s Gotcha Day last month, Sarah slept till at least 11:00 a.m. the next day, if I remember correctly.

Here are some of our favorite photos from the afternoon and evening …

 

It’s been a while since we’ve posted an update on how Sarah is adjusting (last two posts were Family Leave Report and Checking in on Sarah).

Sarah has been with us a little over four months now, and all along, we’ve been saying that she is adjusting really well. The two areas that were perhaps the most challenging were riding in the car seat and going to sleep at night. She’s doing a lot better in the car seat, although our lengthier trips are few.

Our biggest challenge in the past four months was getting Sarah to sleep at night. In the earliest days, Sarah would often cry (and sometimes scream) herself to sleep at night, up to 30-60 minutes. Nothing seemed to work. We’d usually hold her till she fell asleep, but as soon as we’d lay her in the crib (or even move toward it), she’d wake up, and not be happy about it.

The transition was similar for Ethan but, if we remember correctly, Ethan’s transition (i.e., going to sleep calmly at night) was much quicker. It has only been in recent weeks that Sarah has been doing well at night (she has long done well for morning and afternoon naps; nighttime was always the challenge).

For a while there, it seemed like it was taking forever to get her to this point, but in hindsight, three to four months isn’t really very long in the grand scheme of things, I suppose.

The current challenge with Ethan’s sleep is that he’s been getting up much earlier ever since we returned from Korea (6:30 am +/- an hour). They go to bed at the same time (7:30-8:00 pm), but Sarah sleeps much later (around 9:00 am or so). We’re hoping that the beginning of daylight saving times helps Ethan sleep a little later (we miss having more productive time before the kids get up in the morning)!

In spite of these challenges, though, we have been extremely blessed that both Sarah and Ethan normally sleep throughout the night! We’ll say it again, we are extremely blessed!

Here are a few photos of Sarah from today …

 

Two years ago today, while in Seoul, Korea, we welcomed Ethan into our lives. Two years ago, we “got” Ethan. In some ways, it’s hard to believe it’s *only* been two years — it feels like he’s been part of us so much longer!

Ethan began the day with a couple chocolate chip muffins, blowing out two candles on the first one. Then, we went to Chuck E. Cheese in Altoona where we ate pizza and played games.

This year, we were able to give a little more explanation to Ethan on the importance of the day than last year (last years posts: Gotcha Day and Gotcha Day in Pittsburgh).

At the end of the day, we read a new book we got for Ethan, In Case You Ever Wonder by Max Lucado.

 

Shortly after we graduated from seminary in the mid-1990s, while serving in our first church, we found ourselves using the phrase “learning and growing” to describe what we were experiencing at the time. It’s a phrase that has stuck with us ever since!

This morning, I was explaining to Ethan why our responses to he and Sarah are different when they do things they shouldn’t do (e.g., climbing up on the TV stand and/or touching the TV, etc.). I essentially told Ethan that Sarah is still learning.

In a somewhat somber, matter-of-fact tone, Ethan responded, “I’m still learning” (he added that he was still learning to talk as well).

Ethan is indeed learning. Some good things, of course. But some not-so-good things, too, like the fact that Sarah’s crying and/or screaming seems to work with Mommy and Daddy (why shouldn’t it work for him?). And some funny things. Apparently, we’ve used the phrase, “This is not a toy” with Ethan somewhere along the way. Sometimes, when Sarah is playing with one of his toys (like a toy hammer or any number of other things), Ethan will sometimes say, “No, Sarah. This is not a toy!”

For almost as long as we’ve had Sarah, Ethan has been saying things like, “I’m growing up!” or “I’m getting bigger.” One morning, Ethan came into our room and climbed into bed. He said to me, “You have a big nose.” Then he said, “Mommy has a bigger nose.” But apparently, he wasn’t comparing, because he added, “I have a bigger nose, too!”

Sarah is learning new things as well. One of her favorite things is watching Ethan. It will be interesting to watch her development, to see how having an older, active brother impacts her development. One thing I’ve noticed is that when Sarah crawls up the steps, she’ll often slap the step in front of her with one or both of her hands two or three times. Ethan showed her that once, which came from something he and I did a few times back when he was crawling up steps.

Anyway, ongoing learning is important. I love Proverbs 19.27, which says …

If you stop learning, you will forget what you already know.

We’re all still learning and growing. But this week, we’re simply hoping everyone (i.e., Mommy, Sarah, and Ethan, so far) gets well and over their colds, etc.

While singing “Great is Thy Faithfulness” this morning at Centre Grove, for some reason it struck me that we should be right around the 100 day mark since we’ve had Sarah. And sure enough, yesterday was day 100.

In Korea, families traditionally celebrate a child’s 100th day (from birth) because the first 100 days were the most critical. Getting beyond 100 days was a good sign. While survival rates have dramatically improved, Korean families continue to celebrate the 100th day.

We didn’t have Ethan or Sarah on their 100th days (which they both celebrated with their respective foster families), so we chose to highlight their first 100 days with us. We marked Ethan’s 100th day and now we’re marking Sarah’s.

Here are photos which have not yet been posted (mostly from the past month). For more on Sarah’s story, see Sarah’s Adoption.

 

As you may recall, we are required to complete three visits with our caseworker in the first six months that Sarah is with us (after which we can move toward finalizing the adoption).

Since our caseworker (Cindy) is in Carlisle, we made plans to connect on our way home from the Bishop’s Retreat yesterday afternoon. We only had a few minutes to visit (and will continue the visit over the phone in the days ahead), but it was good to update Cindy on Sarah’s progress.

Cindy was particularly interested in three things: (1) Sarah’s health and physical development, (2) our back-to-work adjustment, and (3) Ethan’s adjustment to Sarah’s arrival.

At our first visit, we reported the pediatrician’s concern that Sarah’s physical development (i.e., motor skills) was a bit delayed. We were glad to report that those concerns no longer exist. Sarah has (at least) caught up. It wasn’t something we, or our caseworker, were really concerned about, knowing that, because Koreans hold their babies more in the early months, that their physical development schedule is simply different than ours.

It was also good to hear Cindy’s observations on Sarah’s emotional well-being. She noticed that Sarah was very observant, looking around the restaurant where we were meeting with no signs of fear (especially after coming directly from the Bishop’s Retreat where we had been around lots of people in an unfamiliar environment for the past 48 hours). Cindy said that’s simply not the case with some adoptees, at this early stage.

Cindy was also interested in know how Ethan was coming along in his adjustment in this new family situation. Joleen points to a time about three weeks before we returned to work where Ethan seemed to have turned a corner. I also mentioned last week’s experience.

Speaking of emotional well-being and adjustment, a book that has been on my reading pile for a long time (I actually read it many years ago) is John Gottman’s Raising an Emotionally-Intelligent Child. We need to read it mainly our benefit. I’ve always said, with Ethan, and now with Sarah, our main goal is not to mess them up too bad!

Well, it’s hard to believe that today marks three months since we met Sarah in her foster home (and brought her into our lives the following day). It’s also hard to believe that we’ll soon be celebrating two other milestones — Ethan’s second “gotcha day” (February) and Sarah’s first birthday (March).

We are at the halfway point at the 2010 Bishop’s Retreat of the Central Pennsylvania Conference of The United Methodist Church.

We arrived at the retreat, which is taking place at the Willow Valley Resort in Lancaster, PA. Last year, our first time to attend the annual retreat, we came a day early to get settled in and to relax (we also posted some learnings from the retreat).

This year, we chose not to come a day early because we were concerned about how well Sarah would sleep here. We figured two nights would be better than three, at this point (although next year, I think we’ll come early; it’s more relaxing). We did arrive in town a few hours early to shop at the outlets before checking into our room just in time for the opening meal (followed by the evening session).

Ethan was with us last year, too, and this year, it’s a first for Sarah. Ethan hasn’t always handled being dropped off at child care in these kinds of “strange” gatherings very well, but we were hoping that having Sarah (a familiar face) with him would make things easier this time. Such was not the case. Last night, as we arrived at the door to the child care room, we experienced his worst ever response (too bad I didn’t have the video camera ready ). I had to chase him (while he cried loudly) down the hallway. I caught up to him at one of the exits. Of course, he continued to cry until shortly after we left. He was fine then and had a good time. This morning, we experienced a much less eventful drop-off, leaving two more drop-offs to go (this evening and tomorrow morning).

Since this is a “retreat,” we get Tuesday afternoons off. For us, that means trying to get the kids to take a nap. We gave up with Ethan and Joleen took him to the pool (which caught up to him later; see photo below). Fortunately, Sarah, who did not get much sleep last night (she went to sleep very late and woke up very early), had a good (up to) hour-and-a-half nap.

Last year, Ethan’s favorite spot was the fountain (which Ethan calls “mountain”). That’s still true this year. This morning, on the way to dropping him off at child care, we stopped at the fountain for a quick look. When we got to the child care room, he immediately started telling the child care workers, and everyone else, about the fountain (and how the water goes “up the pipes,” something I had explained to him yesterday).

Well, I’ll say more about what we’re learning from Gil Rendle, the speaker at this retreat, a little later. For now, I’ll simply say, there’s a lot of good stuff on leading change to chew on. Both the communication and the content are very good.

Here are some images from today …

 

Yesterday, on our day off, we dropped Sarah off at Grammy and Pappy’s in Williamsburg on our way to Altoona, where we had some things to do. We also thought it would be a good time to spend with Ethan (next week, we plan to drop Ethan off and spend some time with Sarah).

After we dropped Sarah off, Ethan noticed the vacancy in the neighboring car seat. Several times, he asked, “Where’s Sarah?”

Later, while browsing at Gymboree in the Logan valley Mall, Joleen noticed, on their way out of the store, that Ethan was carrying a small pair of pink shoes. When asked about them, Ethan said, “These are for Sarah.”

It reminded me of when Joleen and I were in Korea last October. Missing Ethan, from whom we were separated by 7,000 miles, we found ourselves wanting to buy him stuff.