Entries Tagged 'Marriage' ↓

Vacations provide an opportunity to catch our breath. Just about every time Joleen and I are on vacation we usually end up talking about adjustments we need to make in our lives to maintain a healthy way of living so that we don’t get so “out of breath” along life’s journey when we’re not on vacation.

Now, as we complete this vacation and move forward, there are four things that we need to focus on …

• Nutrition
• Exercise
• Rest
• Tank-Filling Activities (check out a brief summary of a sermon on “Filling Your Tank” in a post on A Resilient Life).

Watch for a post on each of these four areas over the next several days describing why we think each is important and how we plan to do develop each area in our lives.

Similar to what I wrote recently in my post on Routines, these areas have been thrown into a tailspin this year and are in need of revamping. We plan to work on these areas in the days ahead.

All four of these areas are important for our health. We have extra motivation, too, with Ethan. We want Ethan to learn these practices as he grows.

And we’re counting on one of the “side effects” of these practices (i.e., healthy living) — more energy!

In Leonard Sweet’s book, SoulSalsa, one chapter is entitled, “Make a Moment.” Sweet writes …

There is one day in your life that will be your best day. There is one day in your life that will be your worst day.

It’s important to know when you’re having one of life’s best moments. And worst. Landmark both.

Joleen and I are blessed to have experienced several great moments on our journey together. Here are some of our best moments, moments we’ll always remember and celebrate, moments that have left a lasting mark on our lives …

February 18, 1992 was the day we met at John Woods Park, a United Methodist camping/retreat facility in Cleveland, TN, where we were both students at the Church of God Theological Seminary (COGTS), in our pre-United Methodist days. Joleen’s student small group hosted a day at the camp/park for new students (I was a new student). The teacher/leader divided the group into twos. The group divided up a few times before the leader was happy with the way we did it — Joleen and I ended up together on the third try. Our “assignment” was to walk the trail in the woods and get to know each other a little bit. That’s how we met!

July 19, 1993 was “Ring Day,” the day I gave Joleen an engagement ring, on the grounds at the Chattanooga Choo Choo (Chattanooga, TN).

January 15, 1994, an unusually cold day in Cleveland, TN (15 degrees, IIRC), was the day we got hitched! Our wedding was the first wedding held at the still fairly young New Covenant Church of God, where we were attending (in fact, they worked hard to get the carpet installed in time for the wedding). Revs. Drs. Jackie and Cheryl Johns (pastors and seminary professors) officiated at our ceremony. Ironically, during our last visit to New Covenant, on September 30, 2007, we made our first public announcement of the referral of our baby boy from Korea (another best moment, below).

June 3, 1995 was the day we both graduated from COGTS with master of divinity degrees. Interestingly, having only been married about a year, we co-wrote our Master’s thesis on husband and wife co-pastoring. The title was, “Covenanted Together in Marriage and Ministry.” Mostly, it was an opportunity for us to dream (or try to figure out!) what our life together in ministry might look like.

July 1, 1998 marks the day we began pastoring in the United Methodist Church, serving the Royer United Methodist Church, near Williamsburg, PA. The years between graduation and this date were filled with both best and worst moments, but through them, God led us to be part of the United Methodist Church, a change for which we continue to be grateful to God!

January 15, 2004 marked our 10th anniversary. We were in Wilmore, Kentucky for our first class in the doctor of ministry program we had just begun. We figured, where better to spend our 10th anniversary than at school since we met at a school! Our fellow students, whom we had only met that week, helped make it a moment (complete with cake and balloons).

September 25, 2007 - While at Asbury for proposal hearings, we got a call informing us that we received a referral of a (then) 3 month-old baby boy.

January 29, 2008, a day after submitting first drafts of our final two chapters of our dissertations, we received the sudden call that our baby in Korea was ready for us to come and get him.

February 11, 2008 was the day we first met Ethan at his foster home in Korea. We spent an hour just getting a little acquainted with one another.

February 12, 2008 was “Gotcha Day!” the day we became parents of Ethan. Every year, we will celebrate two days with Ethan — his birthday and gotcha day.

With God’s help, we hope to continue making many great moments together!

Click on “Comments” below to tell us about some of your best moments.

I recently wrote about Andy Stanley’s book, Choosing to Cheat (see “Choosing to Cheat” 1.0). As I said, I want to share some personal reflections on how Joleen and I plan to cheat strategically so that we do not cheat our family.

To review, Andy essentially says that all of us have a limited amount of time, and certainly not enough time to do everything that is demanded of us, or everything that we’d like to do. Therefore, we’ve all got to cheat somewhere. The question is, who do we cheat? Many times, we cheat our families. The question the subtitle of the book poses is, “Who wins when family and work collide?”

This is an important question for all families to address. It’s certainly an important question for us — two full-time pastors, and now, two full-time parents. In the past, we’ve always tried to be intentional about taking time to spend with one another, and now that we have brought a child into our home, we will have to be even more intentional about family time.

Here are some commitments we’re considering as we move forward …

Be *more* focused in our work/ministries. We have a limited amount of time. In the past, if it took us extra hours to accomplish what we wanted/needed to accomplish in a week, that might not have been so bad. With a child in our lives, we will have to be more focused in our work. We will have to spend our workweek on the most important tasks (actually, focus is a good thing; we all should focus on the most important tasks, or what some call MITs). Our family life depends on it.

Prioritize Family Time. Periodically (and this will become even more important as Ethan gets older), we will schedule in family time on our calendars. We will place family events (or school/extra-curricular activities that Ethan will be involved in) on our calendars, and will treat them as any other important commitment in our lives. A few months ago, Joleen and I started more intentionally coordinating our schedules and blocking out time each week that we would both take off. We did this partially in preparation for life with a child. Click here to download a PDF of the “block schedule” we’ve been using.

Protect our evenings. It’s not uncommon for one or both of us to have 2-3 evening meetings each week. We will need to be more intentional about coordinating our schedules so that, if possible, at least one of us is home each evening, and both of us are home at a decent time to go through our evening routine (story time, prayer, and putting Ethan to bed).

Keep family commitments. Obviously, there will be times when things come up that interrupt family life. That’s true for everyone. It’s especially true for pastoral families, and particularly for families where both parents are pastors. However, we must do our best to keep family commitments as much as possible.

We will have to be intentional. Both of us are mission-driven people. God’s call and mission are extremely important to us. That won’t change. But the way we live that out may, naturally, need to undergo some changes.

We once heard John Maxwell, founder of Injoy, define success, saying, “Those who are the closest to me, love and respect me the most.”

That kind of success requires cheating strategically. What commitments have you made to give priority to the place of your family?

Awhile back, I read Choosing to Cheat: Who Wins When Family and Work Collide? by Andy Stanley. The book is must-reading for anyone who is busy AND has a family.

Incidentally, I try to read everything by Andy Stanley, lead pastor of North Point Community Church in Alpharetta, Georgia. Previously, I’ve posted thoughts on two other books by him including, Communicating for a Change and Making Vision Stick.

I’ve been thinking about the book again now that we’ve brought Ethan home and have a few weeks to immerse ourselves in, and adjust to, this new way of life. Here are a few quotes quotes and thoughts on Choosing to Cheat …

So, what does it mean to cheat?

“When we cheat, we choose to give up one thing in hopes of gaining something else of greater value” (9).

Andy makes the case that none of us can do everything that we think we should do, or everything others think we should do. Therefore, we’ve got choices to make. In fact, he says …

“Daily you make decisions to give up one thing in order to gain something else. This is especially true within the arena of your schedule. You face a variety of responsibilities and opportunities: work … family … hobbies … clubs … leagues … the list is endless. Each competes for your attention. Each competes for your most valuable resource, your time. But to give each of these the time it demands or deserves would require more time than you have” (10).

As a result, every one of us must make choices. Since we can’t do it all, we’ve gotta cheat somewhere. Basically, we choose who we cheat. Why? Because …

“The problem is there is not enough time to get everything done that you are convinced–or others have convinced you–needs to get done” (21).

Choose wisely!

“Everyone is busy. All of us have more to do than we will ever get done. We all have to cheat along the way. When you cheat strategically, you leverage your busyness for the sake of what’s most important. Cheating strategically allows us to communicate the message our families long the feel–you are important to me. You are more important to me than anybody or anything else in the world” (58).

Andy argues that “the length of your workweek does not play as significant role as you might at first think” in your professional success. On the other hand, he says, “With family, success is always related to time” (99).

To help busy spouses make adjustments to their priorities, Andy suggests the following question …

“What change would your spouse most like you to make in regard to your schedule?” (93)

That may be a tough question to ask, and you may not be able to make the needed changes overnight, but it may be a good place to start, and you can at least begin working toward the goal.

When Andy asked his wife, Sandra, this question, shortly after starting North Point in the late 1990s, she said she’d like him to be home around 4:00 pm to help with their two young children. It was tough for Andy, the lead pastor of a new church, to do, but he did it. In fact, he also committed to working a 45-hour workweek. He prayed …

“Lord, feel free to build whatever kind of church You can with forty-five hours of my time. You know that’s all I have right now” (95).

This one might be tough for many Christ-followers, particularly pastors, to swallow. But if you know anything about North Point, it is an incredible church. God isn’t looking for workaholics and overachievers to build his church; he is looking for people of character and integrity, and part of that integrity is commitment to one’s family.

In 2.0, I will offer some personal reflections on how Joleen and I hope to cheat strategically so that we do not cheat our family.

Today marks our 14th our wedding anniversary. Over the course of the past 14 years, God has led us on quite an adventure!

We’ve spent about a third of our marriage in a doctoral program (that we’re trying to finish up!). That’s on top of beginning our marriage while we were completing a Master’s program. In all, we’ve spent nearly half of our marriage in school. We suppose it was fitting that we began our program at Asbury during the week of our 10th anniversary!

During the past 14 years, we’ve served 10 different churches between us. Because we’ve served in multiple church settings, we’ve served as many as 6 at the same time between us (currently 5). Also, we have lived in 6 different houses in 4 different towns since we’ve been married. “God has led us on quite an adventure!”

It’s been a great journey, so far, and we’re certain the adventure will continue. In the coming weeks, in fact, we’ll travel to Korea to become parents, which will be an adventure in itself!

As part of our anniversary celebration yesterday, we watched the movie, The Bucket List, which focuses on the adventures of two men, Edward Cole (Jack Nicholson) and Carter Chambers (Morgan Freeman). Edward is a corporate billionaire and Carter is a working class auto mechanic. Once strangers, their paths cross when they share a hospital room together where both men discover they have a terminal illness. Rather than giving up on life, however, they create a “bucket list,” an adventurous list of things they want to do before they “kick the bucket.”

It’s a good reminder for us to be intentional about living life to the fullest and making the most of our days so that we do not allow them to slip away unnoticed. That’s an especially good reminder as we move toward bringing Ethan into our home.

All in all, we’re incredibly grateful to God for his presence in our lives, and we look forward to all that God will do in and through our family in the years to come!

We recently posted a prayer guide for leaders that’s a couple of years old. We’ve since started working on a prayer guide for married couples. This guide grows out of a desire for us to be more intentional about praying together and/or praying for one another. It’s a work-in-progress, which means it will probably go through a lot of revisions in the next few weeks (and will always change according to our needs), but we thought we’d go ahead and post it, so, here it is. Of course, you may have to tweak it to fit your own needs.

Couples’ Prayer Guide

Sunday :: Surrender

• Pray that we will be completely yielded to God.
• Pray that we will be whole-hearted in our devotion to God.
• Pray that we be persistent and persevering on the journey.

Monday :: Character / Integrity

• Pray for one another’s character development.
• Pray for one another’s purity.
• Pray that our character always outpaces our gifts.

Tuesday :: Marriage

• Pray that we maintain/grow a loving relationship.
• Pray that we maintain oneness/intimacy.
• Pray that we communicate well.

Wednesday :: Parenting

• Pray for God’s wisdom.
• Pray that our home will be a place of peace.
• Pray that we will “train up” our child well.

Thursday :: Growth

• Pray for one another’s spiritual growth.
• Pray that we remain committed to being lifelong learners.
• Pray for one another’s gift development.

Friday :: Health / Well-Being

• Pray for one another’s health and well-being.
• Pray that we consistently exercise and eat well.
• Pray that we consistently take time off each day, days off each week, and vacation time.

Saturday :: Legacy / Impact

• Pray that our lives impact others.
• Pray that we remain good stewards.
• Pray that we make a difference for eternity.