Entries Tagged 'Parenting' ↓

One of the books on my rather aggressive Lenten reading list is Raising an Emotionally-Intelligent Child by John Gottman. The book was published in 1997 and I actually read it shortly after that, mainly due to my interest in emotional intelligence.

I haven’t completely re-read it yet, but I have done a little reviewing. Based on research, Gottman says there are four styles of parenting — Dismissing, Disapproving, Laissez-Faire, and Emotion-Coaching. Those are fairly self-explanatory and the good one is pretty obvious.

A small part of the description of emotion-coaching is that an emotion-coaching parent …

• respects the child’s emotions
• does not poke fun at or make light of the child’s negative emotions
• does not say how the child should feel
• does not feel he or she has to fix every problem for the child (52)

The benefit of emotion-coaching is that children …

learn to trust their feelings, regulate their own emotions, and solve problems. They have high self-esteem, learn well, get along with others (52).

Gottman writes, “Emotion-Coaching parents serve as their children’s guide through the world of emotion” (63).

We want to be emotion-coaching parents, but we also know we have some growing to do. Due to the transition of bringing Sarah home from Korea, the last few months have been, and continue to be, pretty challenging. Reviewing/Re-reading this book comes at an important time (maybe Sarah was giving us a hint after all!).

Gottman describes five key steps that are part of the emotion-coaching process …

1. Become aware of the child’s emotion.
2. Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching.
3. Listen empathetically, validating the child’s feelings.
4. Help the child find words to label the emotion the child is having.
5. Set limits while exploring strategies to solve the problem at hand.

The book includes a self-assessment to help parents determine their parenting style (81 True/False questions). There’s also a self-awareness assessment to help you take a look at your own emotional life (84 True/False questions).

The book also offers a lot of practical guidance. And the final chapter describes what emotion-coaching looks like with children from infancy to adolescence.

It’s a good book for parents and those interested in emotional health/intelligence.

As we’ve written about before recently, we’re enjoying involving our kids (mainly Ethan, at this point) in our mission giving. We usually do some extra giving at the end of the year and one of our favorite year-end projects is Heifer.

Heifer’s mission is …

To work with communities to end hunger and poverty and to care for the earth.

Using Heifer’s online catalog, you can give the gift of various animals, from a flock of chicks or ducks ($20), to a goat ($120), or even a heifer ($500). You can also give a share of an animal if you choose to give less than the full amount.

Today, I connected my laptop to the TV and Ethan (wearing his backpack, at the time) helped us choose some gifts.

 

In the days and weeks leading up to our first trip to Korea — and to becoming parents — we wrote about the kind of culture we wanted to create in our home and family life. Part of that included Shaping a Servant Culture.

To help our children become servants and givers, we want to let them share in opportunities of blessing others. And one of the ways we like to do that is Operation Christmas Child, an annual outreach of Samaritan’s Purse. Last year was Ethan’s first year to participate in Operation Christmas Child. This year, Sarah got to watch. Next year, she’ll be ready to jump in, as well.

A nice new development this year is the ability to track where your shoe boxes go. By making an online donation (to cover the $7/box shipping cost) through EZ Give, you get a label with a bar code, which is used to track the destination of your shoe boxes. The traditional method is to include your donation with your shoe box.

Well, we would be interested in hearing how you have involved — or are involving — your children in mission and/or giving in the comments below.

 

I have long been interested in the subject of creativity, and as a pastor/leader and a parent, how to cultivate creativity in others.

In the past, I’ve written about creativity through a review of the movie, “The Astronaut Farmer” (see “The Astronaut Farmer” and Creativity). I also wrote about creativity when we were thinking about the kind of environment we wanted to create for our child/children in Shaping a Learning Culture.

I believe that because we are created in the image of God — God the Creator — we are inherently creative. But (as I wrote about previously in the movie review), most of us tend to lose or stifle our creativity as we grow up (no doubt with the help of others). As a leader, I want to help people regain (or rediscover) their God-given creativity. As a parent, I want to encourage the development of creativity in my kids (which may simply boil down to not messing them up too much as they grow and develop!).

It’s fun to watch young children play with toys, watching their creativity at work. It’s fun to hear the development of a child’s language as their vocabulary expands and as they learn to put words together.

One of the things we’ve focused on is to allow Ethan (and eventually Sarah) to use his imagination in how he plays with or uses toys and stuff. An important part of this is that there’s not necessarily one (right or wrong) way to do things (i.e., to play with a toy or use a tool). Of course, this means that toys aren’t simply things to keep the kids quiet/occupied, they’re learning opportunities.

For example: Ethan the Drummer. What amazes us isn’t so much that he can turn just about anything into drums, but that he knew enough to create his own drum sets!

One other example: Ethan has a small Disney Cars’ theme suitcase with wheels. He uses it not only to transport toys to the babysitters, but also as a “mower” or a vacuum cleaner.

Adults see a suitcase as a suitcase but kids see all kinds of possibilities!

One of my favorite statements (which is connected to creativity) is, “There’s always a better way!” Kids (of all ages) should be free to use their imaginations and not be tied (or forced) into thinking there’s only one (supposedly right) way to do something.

The problem with settling on one way of doing something is that we never experiment, we never use our God-given imaginations, we never look for better ways of doing things. This is important because rarely is the first idea/solution the best idea/solution! But as we keep trying new things, experimenting, and using our imaginations, that’s when creativity kicks in.

From a leadership/parenting perspective, I think the point is that it’s more important to teach others how to think and problem-solve than it is to teach them what to think (i.e., method is more important content; when you have the method, you’ll be able to get the content).

I’ve long said that the purpose of education (at any level) is not just to teach you what you need to know (educational programs can’t really teach you everything you need to know, anyway), but the real purpose is to teach people how to learn. When you know how to learn you’ll always be able to learn what you need to know when you find yourself in unchartered territory.

When Ethan finds himself in unchartered territory (i.e., something goes wrong or happens unexpectedly), if we can, we try not to fix it for him or tell him the solution (though we may guide him to finding/discovering solutions). In the process, we try to do two things:

1. Have a good attitude, to say, “Oh well” (the idea is, things will go wrong and it’s what you do after things go wrong that matters). So, don’t panic or over-react. Often, Ethan will say, “Oh well,” when something goes wrong, whether it’s something he’s doing or something Mommy or Daddy is doing.
2. Focus on solutions: Rather than telling Ethan (and eventually Sarah) what the solution might be, we’re more interested in teaching them how to find the solution(s) on their own.

We don’t do these things as well as we’d like. They take a lot of patience and a focus on the long view, not simply surviving the immediate “crisis” (and, to be honest, our first days and weeks after bringing Sarah into our family have clearly put us in survival mode for the time being!).

Having a good attitude and focusing on solutions are vital components of creativity. They’re values/skills we want to improve in our own lives and at the same time, instill them in our kids’ lives.

In the last few weeks, some of Ethan’s favorite words/phrases, surprisingly enough, have been “Please” (pronounced “peas”), “Thank you,” “Excuse me” (pronounced “scoos me”), and, to a lesser degree (or at least more recent), “Sorry” (pronounced “sar-you”).

Ethan has been using “please” the longest. Awhile back, Ethan learned to add “please” to “more” when he wants more food (he now uses it for other things besides food). And because we like to hear him say please, it works most of the time!

When we give Ethan something or do something for him, he’ll often respond with “Thank you.” We like to hear that, too. Sometimes, though, when we ask Ethan to do something or not do something, he stubbornly refuses to comply. But as soon as we take a step toward him, he’ll smile, comply, and say, “Thank you” (which is what we say to him when he does comply) all at the same time.

While we taught him to say “Excuse me” after something like burping, he somehow picked up on using the phrase when he got in someone else’s way or needed to get by someone else. A few days ago, Ethan met another toddler at the top of a playground slide and said, “Excuse me.”

First, Ethan is a fast, intuitive learner, so he picks up on stuff very quickly. We’ve never had to hassle him to say “please” or “thank you.” And I hope he’s picked up these phrases because he sees those around him modeling them. As we often say, some things are better caught than taught.

It’s always been interesting to listen to Ethan’s chatter when he’s “alone.” We hear him chattering when he wakes up in the morning. Sometimes he rehearses his newest words. He went through a phase where he was counting things, so we’d hear him count. Of course, he often says, “Mommy” and “Daddy,” and sometimes the names of other people he knows. Occasionally, he calls, “Randy.”

One day during our recent vacation, the three of us laid down for an afternoon nap, except Ethan didn’t actually nap (thankfully, he entertained himself in his pack-n-play while we did).

During that nap time, though I heard a couple things. First, it sounded like he was praying, though, I didn’t catch the words. And sure enough, after a little while, he said, “amen.”

In other interesting chatter, Ethan said, “Ethan, no!” (not sure where he picked that up!)

For good or bad, listening to the chatter of children provides instant feedback on what your child is absorbing!

I have heard it said that some things are better caught than taught. We teach through what we say, but our words must match our actions.

We are certainly learning this principle as parents. We use words to teach Ethan how to behave, but he picks up on our actions, too.

Recently, Virgin HealthMiles replaced my GoZone pedometer (they want to test it to see why it’s not working with the Mac version of the GoZone iSync software I’m beta testing for them). After I activated the new one and just before I returned the old one, I put it on Ethan to see how many steps he gets (although he kept resetting it, so I don’t know for sure). While walking, Joleen stopped, looked at her pedometer to see how many steps she had, and immediately, Ethan stopped in his tracks, lifted up his shirt, looked at his pedometer and said “eight” (apparently, his favorite number).

This, and many other similar experiences, reinforces for us the importance of teaching behavior and character by modeling good behavior/character, ourselves. In other words, our talk must match our walk!

One of the areas that we are trying to teach through our actions as well as our words is prayer. We have devotion every night we put Ethan to bed, which includes reading Scripture out of a children’s story Bible and praying while Ethan drinks his milk. I occasionally ask him if he wants to pray and he will mumble some syllables and finish, saying, “amen.”

Recently, I asked Ethan if he wanted to pray during our evening devotional time, and he immediately clasped his hands together, dropped to his knees and then on his elbows, and mumbled a very lengthy prayer. I don’t know what he said or even if he knows what he said, but he was praying (I’m not even sure where he learned those postures!).

Every once in a while, Ethan will initiate and clasp his hands together and say, “Pway.” And we do.

This principle is not only true for parents, it’s also true for leaders. As a pastor/preacher, I want to shape a biblical culture through words (preaching/teaching). But I not only shape culture through my words, I also shape culture through my actions (the way I live).

And actions speak louder than words!

One of the things that Joleen and I have noticed as much as anything else in the 14.5 months that Ethan has been with us is that, because he is so observant, we have to pay attention to everything — the sound of the car driving by outside, sirens, the fan that comes on in another room, the airplane or helicopter that flies overhead, the hooting of owls, ceiling fans everywhere, etc. Whenever Ethan hears something, we have to be ready when he points and asks, “What’s that?”

Paying attention is a good discipline to (re)develop, really. As we age, one of the things that happens is that we learn to tune out the things we’ve gotten accustomed to hearing and seeing over and over. But children help us see things with fresh eyes and hear things with fresh ears.

This happens in our spiritual lives, too. The longer we walk with God, the greater the temptation to tune out the ordinary, everyday experiences of God’s grace. They use to be so fresh and exciting, and if we’re not careful, we can stop seeing and hearing them. It is as if they no longer exist.

Where are God’s blessings in your life today? As Ethan would say, “What’s that?” Do you hear it? Do you see it?

Between November 23, 2007 and February 2, 2008 (a few days before we flew to Korea to get Ethan), I wrote a series of 6 posts reflecting on and dreaming about the kind of culture we wanted to shape in our home, once we welcomed Ethan into our lives.

Nearly a year into our parenting journey, here are some early reflections on several important areas …

God-Centered Culture
We’re shaping a God-centered culture by reading Scripture and praying together, mostly during a devotional time each night before bed. A few months ago, Ethan learned, without any prompting from us, to clasp his hands together and bow his head for prayer (which was usually followed by a sigh if he was waiting to eat!). I’m sure that as Ethan grows and we’re able to have conversations, we’ll find ways to “do theology” together.

Learning Culture
It’s been fun to watch Ethan develop and learn new things. He’s extremely observant; nothing seems to get by him. In December, we wrote about Signing. Yesterday, I asked Ethan if he was ready for his bath. Immediately, Ethan put down his sippy cup of water, and did the bath sign. That surprised us, because that’s the newest sign we’ve taught him and it’s probably been a couple weeks since we’ve even tried using it! Anyway, Ethan seems to be a good learner; that’s a skill/passion we want to encourage. We’ve never been in a hurry (or pushy) about teaching Ethan new things; we simply want to provide an atmosphere where Ethan can learn and grow, naturally.

High AQ culture
A couple things here: 1) We try not to overreact to adversity/problems ourselves (which isn’t always easy), and 2) We try to help Ethan not over-react to the adversity he experiences. Funny thing is, in the High AQ post, I wrote, “We want to raise a climber.” I didn’t really mean that literally, but Ethan is definitely a climber!

Leadership Culture
I’m not sure this is an area that really gets developed/exercised during a child’s first couple years of life. Although, I will say, that Ethan has definitely had a lot of experience leading us this year!

Servant Culture
This is another area that will be largely developed later, I think. For now, it mainly needs to be something that we model for him and involve him when we can.

Trustee culture
Similarly, this is an area where we need to model good practices for now, which will hopefully make it easier to teach him good practices later.

Well, we knew culture shaping would be a real challenge, and it certainly is. We’re only a year into it, and I’m sure it gets more and more challenging along the way. But hopefully, putting down the best foundation possible (though it’ll never be perfect because we’re not perfect!), will help us down the road.

What kind of culture are you trying to shape in your home? What are you learning along the way?

Yesterday, while Ethan and I were looking for some books in our personal library (too many are *still* in boxes!), I pulled out another book (a book by Kevin Lehman) that might be good to have on hand in the days to come. Fortunately, it’s not a book we’ve needed too much yet, but you know what they say about prevention!

Anyway, Ethan had something to say about it …